How to Ask for What You Want in Bed (and Actually Get It)

Learn how to express your needs, overcome embarrassment, and get more of what you crave.

Introduction

Asking for what you want in bed can feel vulnerable, but it's the key to a satisfying sex life. Whether you're hoping to try something new or just want more of what you love, here's how to speak up with confidence and care.

Why Asking Is Hard

• Fear of rejection or hurting your partner's feelings
• Embarrassment or shame about your desires
• Not knowing how to start the conversation
• Worrying about being "too much" or "not enough"

Step-by-Step Guide to Asking

1. Get clear on what you want. Take time to reflect on your desires and why they matter to you.
2. Pick the right moment. Choose a relaxed, private time—outside the bedroom can be best for sensitive topics.
3. Use "I" statements. For example: "I'd love to try [X] with you. How would you feel about that?"
4. Be specific, but gentle. Share details, but avoid criticism or comparisons.
5. Invite your partner's thoughts. Ask how they feel and listen with an open mind.

Sample Scripts

• "I've been thinking about something I'd like to try together. Can I share it with you?"
• "I love when you [X]. Would you be open to doing it more often?"
• "Is there anything you'd like to try or talk about?"

Tips for Overcoming Embarrassment

• Remind yourself that your desires are valid and normal.
• Practice what you want to say ahead of time.
• Start small—share a little, then build on the conversation.
• Thank your partner for listening, even if they're surprised.

Conclusion

The more you practice asking for what you want, the easier it gets. Remember, intimacy is a team effort—when you share your needs, you invite your partner to do the same. For more conversation ideas, check out our Best Conversation Starters (Sex).